The Siegal Guide to Meditation

Today I became interested in mediation. After reading numerous Psychology Today articles and listening to a few guided meditation podcasts, I feel it’s time to share everything I’ve learned in the hopes that you too can become spiritually awakened. Here is a simple morning mediation that I just developed:

Hello. Welcome. Danke schöen.

Please close your eyes. Not that tight. Ok, there you go. Now open them. Make sure no one has snuck up on you because you just never know. Now close your eyes again and take a deep breath in through your nose. Slowly let the air out. Let the realization that this isn’t so hard wash over you and reflect upon the fact that you’ve been breathing on your own for over 25 years. So this can’t be that hard.

Now that you have the breathing down, focus on a part of your body that feels good. Allow yourself to giggle, as we all know what you thought of first. Regain your composure. If your focus drifts away to an ex-girlfriend from high school, that’s OK. Acknowledge that thought and let it float away knowing she was kind of a bitch anyway, all things considered. You took her to Cheesecake Factory no fewer than 3 times. That had to have meant something.

Return your focus to your breath. In and out. In and out. Yes, just like sex in slow motion. Once again, giggle.

Open your eyes. Look at the clock and notice how only 3 minutes have passed. Tell yourself you’ll go longer next time.