Everything I Had to Say for My Wife While She Was on Vocal Rest

My wife is currently starring in a one-woman version of Les Mis. To preserve her voice, she is on vocal rest when not performing. Here is everything I had to say for her:

“Do you mind if my wife sits down? She’s not pregnant, just on vocal rest.”

“Everything bagel, cream cheese, tomato. Ouch! Jeez. OK. Scooped please.”

“She’s going to 33rd and 6th. I’m going there too. But only because she can’t tell you where she is going… I see why you’re saying that. She’s on vocal rest; not kidnapped. We’re married!”

“Is there any toilet paper in your stall?”

“I’ll have a small coffee and she would like… I know she can talk just not today. No it’s not a weird sex thing. Are you familiar with vocal rest? What version of the Kama Sutra did you read?”

“I’d like to make a return. They didn’t fit. Well, I didn’t try them on. Oh, I see the confusion here.”

“Hi, my wife’s name is Jen Gold and I’ll be reading a monologue for her from A Streetcar Named Desire.”

“Sarah, Jen just feels like you two have grown apart. I’m sorry. She values your friendship, but you’re in different places in your lives…. This is me now. I still want to hang out with your boyfriend. He’s fun!”

“Hi Mrs. Gold. It’s Alex. Your daughter’s on vocal rest but still wanted to make sure she called.”

“Oh my god. Ken! Hi. Jen hasn’t seen you in the years since that one night in college… How are you? You look fantastic. OK, that’s enough. By forever, Ken!”

“I know you’re pregnant, but do you mind if my wife sits down? She’s on vocal rest.”

Journal Entries From My Week-Long Effort to Teach My Cat Table Manners

Day 1 - I sat my cat down and told her that things were going to change. She chews with her mouth open, gets food everywhere, and occasionally hits her bowl during vigorous zoomies. She was receptive to the hard talk. But to be honest, it’s also possible she was coming down from the catnip.

Day 2 - I figured one of the best ways to reinforce good habits was to teach by example. So I found a video clip of a Japanese cat that eats with chopsticks and even wipes its mouth. Again, she seemed to be absorbing the information, but then a bird flew by the window and she leapt toward it. I didn’t even have time to grab the chopsticks…

Day 3 - Real progress! I opened up a can of wet food, and as always, she came running over. Next to her bowl I placed a video recording of her eating. She got very close to the camera and pawed at it. I could tell she was thinking, “Is this really what I sound and look like? I can’t believe it. I’m going to make a change. Today is the first day of the rest of my nine lives”.

Day 4 - She pooped next to the litter box.

Day 5 - I had a strange thought that maybe what makes animals animals is that they do not have manners. So I was trying to force her to do something that was simply impossible and against her very nature.  I didn’t have much time to reflect on this. I was busy trying to get her to stop ripping off the tiny cat bib I made her.

Day 6 - I tried switching things up a bit. I ate my oatmeal out of her bowl and placed her wet food on a regular plate. I even gave her a place setting. I think Cesar Millan did this on an episode of Dog Whisperer. I was hoping everything would really click for her and she’d not only eat her food in a more respectful manner, but maybe even wash the dishes. I was wrong. And when she finished she jumped on her plate and got food on my wall. Babies do that. NOT FULLY GROWN CATS!

Day 7 - We landed on the moon and built the pyramids! Humans have done amazing things. So why can’t I convince by cat that misophonia is a real disorder?! Imagine how great it would be if she was as well behaved all the kids from The Sound of Music. Oh well. I tried my best. On to figuring out how I can stop her from scratching the couch and instead sit there and read the paper.

How Rugelach, A Cat, Spends Her Sundays

Rugelach relaxing in the bathroom

Rugelach relaxing in the bathroom

Rugelach, 1, is a domestic shorthair rescue from Brooklyn, NY. She is not internet famous yet, but has a decent following by sharing her Jewish cat adventures on Instagram @A_Cat_Named_Rugelach. For the past year, she has lived with her roommates Alex and Hannah in Clinton Hill.

RISE AND SHINE I find I can’t really get a solid 8 hours sleep no matter how hard I try. I prefer to sleep most of the day in short little spurts. But I’m almost always up by 7am. That’s usually when the people I rent some space to, Alex and Hannah, start moving around. That gets my attention so I’ll start walking all over them and chewing in Hannah’s hair for reasons even I don’t know. Surprisingly, that wakes them up right away. It’s perfect too because I like to eat promptly at 7.

“I generally take my breakfast right in the bowl”

“I generally take my breakfast right in the bowl”

LAST MEAL EVER Once either Hannah or Alex gets up, I generally take my breakfast right in the bowl. I eat it as fast as I can because I never really know when my next meal will come around. If I’m particularly hungry, I’ll pout and make a really sad look with my eyes. That gets me a few pieces of dry food.

A LITTLE PRIVACY After breakfast, I generally take some private time in my litter box. It’s where I get a lot of my important thinking done, like: when will I eat again and wasn’t that squirrel by the widow really close? Once my business is complete I’ll leap out of the box and carry some litter with me. I always feel bad, but it magically disappears by the next day. So, clearly it’s not a big deal.

“Find me a cat that doesn’t nap and I’ll show you a stressed cat.”

“Find me a cat that doesn’t nap and I’ll show you a stressed cat.”

ZOOMIE I know some cats who sleep all afternoon to catch up from a busy week. Not me. In the afternoon I’ll get an overwhelming urge to run all over the apartment. I’ll run to the window, then b-line to the bedroom. I’ll do that a few times. It’s so important to stay active—even on your days off.

RELAXATION The zoomies really take a lot out of a cat, so I’ll go right into a nap. I like to be near the window when it’s warm and on the kitchen mat when it’s not. I’ll nap for an hour, walk a bit, then nap some more. I can’t stress enough the importance of napping.

“A ball, a string, an iPhone charger—find what you like to bat around and make it fun!”

“A ball, a string, an iPhone charger—find what you like to bat around and make it fun!”

STRINGING ME ALONG I know someday I’ll have to hunt, so I like to keep my skills sharp. That’s why I’ll try to find a piece of string and attack it. I like to pretend it’s a mouse or maybe a bird. Another great way to sharpen these skills is by scratching the couch. This is very fun for me but also tiring. I’ll generally nap right after.

A WHOLE NEW WORLD Next to my perch is a window where I can look at birds and squirrels. I’ll sit here for most of the afternoon and early evening just looking. This is different from the rest of the week because there are new birds and squirrels. One day I’ll catch one and bring it to Alex and Hannah to thank them for being good tenants.

Some much needed down time after another packed Sunday.

Some much needed down time after another packed Sunday.

HERE’S THE RUB After either a billion years or 22 seconds, my roommates Alex and Hannah will come back home. This is great because I get more food (and it’s been forever since I ate) and some rubs. I like rubs because there are spots I can’t reach and also it keeps me relaxed. No one realizes how stressful my Sunday routine can be.

Small Business Saturday at AlexSiegal.com

With Amazon coming to NYC, it’s more important than ever to support small businesses. That’s why AlexSiegal.com is taking part in Small Business Saturday.

It’s true that we are basically on the cusp of becoming a conglomerate. But for tax reasons, we’re still considered a small business. In truth, AlexSiegal.com has always been small. It’s just me, the founder of AlexSiegal.com, and over 10,000 content creators from the same countries were Nike makes its shoes.

So, what do you say? Give the big box stores a break this weekend and support a business that really cares about its customers—not its bottom line (though profits are EXTREMELY important).

Here’s a look at some of our deals:

  • 25% off factory second articles

  • Exclusive discounts on partner websites. Just use the discount code they provided in their promotional emails!

  • 75% less malware sitewide

  • A tote

  • A bunch of free stuff with every purchase that we got during the last NPR pledge drive!


Alex Siegal

Founder and CEO of AlexSiegal.com, a Walmart company

I Just Started a New Job and I Fell Right Into a Hole

If you’re reading this then that means I’m dead. Damn. That’s not how I wanted my first day at Touchstone Creative to go. I didn’t choke or have a heart attack. I came in ready to start my new job and almost immediately fell into a giant hole by my desk.

I’m not sure how the hole got there.

When I came to interview 2 weeks prior I didn’t see a hole. And no one mentioned it to me when I asked about the company culture. They went on and on about their Halloween party and after-work perks. I was excited about that. But given my currently predicament, I would have loved to spend even 2 minutes on the man-sized hole by my desk.

They told me to ask for Ron when I showed up, but he was out so a woman from HR brought me to my desk. Maybe Ron knew about the hole and would have warned me?

I really shouldn’t put the blame on my new coworkers. It was probably my fault. From what I remember, I put my bag down by my desk, turned to my left, and then took a single step. That’s when I went right into the hole. Luckily, I didn’t break anything, but I did rip my new tie. I think it got snagged on a jagged rock on my way down. Not sure why there are exposed rocks. But then again, not sure why there was an unattended hole by my desk.

Some mysteries will remain unsolved.

Inside the hole it’s not too bad. It’s dark but not cold. There’s also noticeable odor, though it’s just kind of like a damp smell. All things being equal, I suppose that’s the best you can ask for from a hole by your desk. Besides, you know, it not being there.

I came to Touchstone Creative for a fresh start and a creative challenge. Who knew that would be trying to figure out ways to escape a hole. I tried climbing out, but I couldn’t get a good enough grip. I also shouted but the hole appears to be hundreds of feet down. I guess I’m through the building and deep into the earth. That’s a big hole given that this office is on the top floor of the Freedom Tower.

I know what you’re thinking: did the person who use to sit at your desk also fall into the hole? No. I looked around and there aren’t any bones. I think I’m the first one to fall down here. I hope no one thinks I’m aloof! I really pride myself on making great first impressions. I wish there were some way to tell people that I didn’t miss my first status meeting on purpose; it’s because I fell into a hole by my desk.

Well, I suppose there’s not much else to say. Tell my wife I love her and when Ron gets back see if he add an out-of-office message to my Outlook.

AlexSiegal.com Privacy Policy Update

By now, you’ve probably been inundated with privacy policy updates. Many companies are trying to make sure they’re compliant with new European privacy laws. AlexSiegal.com is no different. In fact, a significant portion of our visitors are from Europe. That’s why we started spelling color the weird way.

We don’t expect everyone to read our updated privacy policy. It’s just a bunch of legalese to ensure we are still compliant and can keep doing the things we want to do. But if you are interested, here are the major updates:

  • We will no longer sell your data to the highest bidder, the lowest bidder, or really anyone with a credit card who wants some of your data.
  • We will stop turning on your webcam when you go to the bathroom.

  • We’ve outlined the “reasons” your “privacy” is “important” to us.

  • If you go from our website to another website, we’ll no longer judge you.

  • You can download all your personal data by going to a special page, searching for your name among the millions of visitors we have, and hitting “download”. Please only download your data.

  • Each page on our website will include a “look behind you” feature just to be safe.

  • Any visitors that are determined to be major gossip queens will be banned.

  • The “report a traitor” feature will be turned off everywhere but in the most strict of dictatorships.

  • The thing where after you visited our website you’d get tons of pop-ups, spam mail, unmarked packages, and strange cars following you will be curtailed.

  • We will no longer store your data in a non-password protected folder in our intern’s Google Drive. It will now be password protected.


Podcasts I'm Doing This Month

Last Thursday’s Sandwich
This has been one of my favorite podcasts for months. I’m so excited to sit down with Luke, Alexis, and Tom to discuss the pastrami on rye I had last Thursday.

Two Frogs and Janice
Janice and her two frogs interview their guests about love, loss, and everything in between. It should be a lot of fun!

A Little Bit of Barbara
Barbara is only on the show for about 2 minutes. After that, the episode will mostly feature Karen. She’s hilarious!

Text M for Murder
My good friend Sarah co-hosts this murder podcasts...with a twist! In each episode, Sarah and her guest text random people the plot to “Dial M for Murder”.

The Good Friends Show
Doug and Jamie, two of my good friends, are finally having me on to discuss our friendship.

My Worst Splitter
This will actually be part two of the last time I was on “My Worst Splinter”. It was a really bad splinter.

How I Got Here
This podcast has been blowing up recently so it’s really exciting I finally got asked to do it! On each episode, Sally, Eric, and Tonya discuss the way their guest got to the studio.

Please Leave a Message
This has been an indie favorite for some time and always the podcast I recommend to people who love comedy. This time we’re calling a law firm 2 hours after they’ve closed and leaving a message.

The Worst I Ever Bombed
On each episode, Todd and Emily interview a veteran about the worst thing he or she ever bombed. I’ll be joined by my dad’s old boss who will share some of his ‘Nam stories.

Sorry, Hang on a Second
Hank conducts each episode while he’s busy at work. He recently got hired at Best Buy. It should be wild.

Needs No Introduction
I’ll admit, this show took a bit of getting used to since the hosts just start talking without ever introducing their guest. But, they have really wacky games!

AlexSiegal.com Cat Access

Dear AlexSiegal.com Premium Members,

We are pleased to announce that with your membership you’ll now be granted trial access to our cat.

We got a cat.

She’s really cute and only 5 months old. So she’s still technically a kitten. That increases the cute value by at least double, if not more. 

What Comes With Cat Access?

You get our cat! Ha! Not really, that was just an AlexSiegal.com joke. The cat is ours and will never love you the way she loves us. But, you still get great perks:

  • Pictures
  • Boops
  • Custom ringtones with her purr
  • The PawCam™
  • The ability to send over a file with your voice saying “good kitty” that we’ll play at a time of our choosing

If you decide to add on Cat Access to your existing AlexSiegal.com membership, you’ll also be given VIP access to any cat-related live shows, an offer code for merch, and, of course, the joy of cat access.

OK, I’m in! But What Does It Cost?!

Before we get into the very reasonable price for access to our truly one-in-a-million cat, it’s important to understand some basics of economics. The price of an item is generally correlated to the demand for it. The higher the demand, the higher the price. Market research shows that there is very high demand for AlexSiegal.com Cat Access. That’s why we are charging $39.95 a month. We would be doing a disservice to our shareholders—and all of you—if we charged any less. Plus, by giving us this very reasonable sum, we’ll be able to supply even better cat content to our loyal subscribers! Think of it as Purr-down Economics.

That’s a Reasonable Price, So How do I Sign Up?

Well, sign up will initially be limited to our AlexSiegal.com influencers and anyone with an Ivy League college email address. That’s more or less what Facebook did when they started and just look at them now! Not that access to a cat is the same as a social network, but it’s not not the same, you know?

Can We See a Pic?



We agree!

I’m More of a Dog Person, Will There Ever Be Dog Access?

Maybe! We’ll also add in Bird Access, Fish Access, and Gerbil Access down the line. Though, for obvious reasons, Cat Access and Gerbil Access will not happen at the same time.

I Have No Further Questions

Ok! Thanks for the heads up!


AlexSiegal.com Holiday Sale

Looking for a last-minute gift for that special someone? Well look no further! Our annual holiday sale is back! Here are just a few of the hot deals you can only get at AlexSiegal.com:

  • 25% off
  • Double
  • Free shipping to all U.S. territories

Now this sale won’t last forever, so act fast! And when you do, we’ll thrown in an extra at no cost! Unsure how it works? Here’s an example: You choose one of you favorite items and when you checkout it’ll either be 25% off, double, or shipped to a U.S. territory (free of charge!). What if you, for example, want it shipped to your home instead of Guam? Well, where’s the holiday cheer in that?

Go to Amazon if you want your items shipped to your home.

A Word From Our Founder

“Hi, thank you so much for visiting AlexSiegal.com during our holiday sale. Oh, is that a snowflake? Wow. The holidays are here! I hope you all get get 25% off when you check out. But, of course, there’s a chance your item may be double the price or shipped to Guam. It is the holidays, after all. Wow! Another snowflake! Stay warm.”

-- Alex Siegal

A Message to Our Readers

In light of Apple’s recent decision to fight the FBI’s request to unlock an iPhone, the news cycle has been abuzz with talk about the line between the national security and privacy. It seems only fitting that AlexSiegal.com throws its weight into the debate.

A United Front

We stand with Apple in our decision to also not compromise the security of our readers by fulfilling FBI requests for “back door” access to our site.   

Now, it should be noted that the FBI has not made any requests for files or information from AlexSiegal.com, but it could happen any day now. We have a large and varied readership. It’s entirely possible that some terrorists have visited AlexSiegal.com.

What We Think Happened

NOTE FROM ALEXSIEGAL.COM LAWYERS: The following is purely speculative, but would almost certainly be the way it would happen.

In all likelihood, one low-ranking ISIL member found our site after Googling “Top comedians to watch who will soon be working for SNL” and shared it with a few buddies, laughing at the way AlexSiegal.com has mastered the language of comedy. It’s even possible they wanted to add a humor section to their propaganda magazine.

Unfortunately, a commander would have most certainly found out and executed them. It would have been at that time, security experts would probably argue, that AlexSiegal.com came to represent all that was good about America—and therefore everything a terrorist organization like ISIL hates.

All the chatter about AlexSiegal.com would have alerted CIA agents in deep cover and probably led to Operation Heroic Thunder.

That operation would have actually been a joint operation between SEAL Team 6 and DELTA Force to capture that ISIL commander in a nighttime raid and interrogated him. (We will assume in full accordance with NATO and UN guidelines, but that kind of speculation is really beyond the scope of this open letter.)  After 2 months of interrogation, CIA contractors and Mossad agents in a secret German rendition center would have learned about AlexSiegal.com.

That, of course, is when the FBI would come knocking. They’d want to know the IP addresses of our users to learn just how many terrorists are currently active readers of AlexSiegal.com.

And that is where we would draw the line.

Help, Within Reason

If the FBI, NSA, or members of Black Ops ask us for something like an unused blog post, we would certainly provide that. But the hypothetical request for a “back door” to our site is simply a bridge too far.

We hate terrorism. It’s the pits. But there comes a point where we simply cannot betray the freedoms and ideals that our Great Nation was founded upon just to uncover a vast and intricate global terror network. And that is why we respectfully decline to fulfill the FBI’s request, should they have made one.

Thank you and God Bless America,

Alex Siegal
Global CEO, AlexSiegal.com