Important Announcement

After months of backroom negotiations, I’m pleased to announce that Perdue Chicken has bought a majority stake in my website, AlexSiegal.com.  As many of you assumed, from the moment my site went live I was inundated with requests for mergers, partnerships, and acquisitions. So naturally, the process was a difficult one.

And I know what you’re thinking “Hey, why Perdue Chicken and not a company that seems more fitting for AlexSiegal.com, such as Tyson Foods?” That’s a fair question, and I’ll admit, the choice was not an easy one. I needed to ensure whomever I worked with would keep the spirit of AlexSiegal.com alive and that I’d retain full editorial control. So naturally, after more than 50 years in the poultry business, with innovations such as the skinless breasts and flash-frozen drumsticks, Perdue was just the clear winner.

Effective immediately, my weekly blog, “Ask Alex from AlexSiegal.com,” will be replaced with the twice-weekly, “Perdue Chicken Presents: Ask Alex from AlexSiegal.com”. My other site content will largely stay the same except for some new features:

• “The Chicken Corner,” a series of short stories about love, loss, and properly cooked chicken
• “Tastes Like Chicken,” a podcast series where I interview employees from Perdue’s various plants. It’ll be like “This American Life” meets “60 Minutes” meets an industrial chicken prep line
• “Pollo,” a telenovela about two chicken farmers and their forbidden love

I really hope everyone likes the new site and bears with me as we work out a few kinks. They are inherent with any new business venture that requires USDA inspection. 

We're Live!

After literally days of writing and designing, my website, AlexSiegal.com, is finally live! I can already tell things are going to be different from now on. Immediately, there are 3 things I expect to happen:

1. I’ll start generating a lot of ad revenue. Granted, I’m not entirely sure how that whole thing works. But I’m told it involves “GoogleAdSense” or maybe it’s “GoogleAdWords”? Definitely “Google” something.
2. I won’t pay rent anymore. Sure, with my newfound income I could probably buy my apartment. But as soon as word gets to my landlord that an Internet celebrity lives in his apartment, he’ll beg me to stay and offer to let me live in my room as long as I’d like, rent-free.
3. I’ll no longer wait in line at Trader Joes. At some point, I’ll post a video saying how awesome their food is but how much I hate the lines. In return, Trader Joes will give me a special card that lets me cut to the front of every line. Even at their Union Square location on Sunday night. Even then. 

After these big accomplishments, it’s hard to imagine I’ll have greater success. So I’ll probably just retire and write my memoirs: “Alex Siegal: From Internet Star and American Treasure to Loving Father and Shrewd Businessman”. 

My Girlfriend's Underwear

As my girlfriend and I have gotten closer, so too have our clothes. On an average week, I’ll find any number of items from her wardrobe throughout my room. Mostly t-shirts and a few socks, but sometimes something exciting like a sweater. Recently, I discovered a pair of sexy women’s underwear under my bed. I say “sexy” because they were the thong kind. I’m not sure who here is unaware of the thong but it’s pretty sexy. The whole butt is exposed. Which is nice.

Anyway, I was sure they were her’s. Like 99% sure. But still you never know. Maybe they belonged to an ex-girlfriend and slowly, week after week, made their way from the depths of my closet to the middle of my room with the sole purpose of ruining my life! Or maybe, there was a  freak mix-up at my laundromat. Oh! Or maybe I have a secret admirer who left them for me. Yeah… I like the last one. Either way, I figured it wasn’t worth me bringing it up. The underwear that is. Not the secret admirer.

I finally decided to just pick them up and stuff them into my closet. One day, I’ll get the nerve to ask her about them. I could bring it up casually. Maybe something like, “Hey. How was your day? Cool. Cool. Oh, weird… Where did these come from? Guess they’re yours or whatever.” Another approach would be to accuse her of cheating on me and claim that the underwear were really for another man. Hmm. That may become a larger discussion. Perhaps, I should just go with my gut and burn down my entire apartment. That way, I destroy any evidence. The worst case scenario is that I ruin a pair of her underwear. I can always buy her new ones.

An Unauthorized History of my Laundromat

Lately, I’ve been wondering a lot about my laundromat. Specifically, why my clothes always shrink, why the name is so uninventive, and why it even exists in the first place when there are other laundromats nearby. After many hours of exhaustive research with the aid of the NYU School of Question Management, I’ve found some answers:

#1 - The Shrinking Brothers

Way back in 1998, two brothers had a dream of coming to America and living the good life. But their country was under the control of a ruthless ventriloquist’s dummy named Mr. Peanut. And being a wooden doll, it meant that he couldn’t wear normal sized clothing. So people would shrink down their clothes and offer them to Mr. Peanut. The brothers were so inspired by the people’s dedication to Mr. Peanut that they came to America and opened up their own clothing shrinking store under the guise of Grant St Laundromat. And that’s why today, whenever you drop your clothes off they say, “Long live Mr. Peanut.” Although it’s usually said cryptically and comes out as “It’ll be ready tomorrow night, ok?”

#2 - LaundroTech LLC

After opening several other large capacity laundromats in the NYC metro area, LaundroTech LLC (formerly Laundromatical LCC) merged with CleanNYC LLC (formerly CleanUS LCC) to form LaundroClean LCC (after 2 years the name was changed to just Clean LLC). Then, in a hostile take over, the European laundromat giant Euroclean LLC (formerly CleanDeutch LCC) bought a controlling stake in Clean LCC and split the company into 5 smaller companies (Laundro LCC, CleanLaun LCC, Clean-a-matic LCC, LaundroNice LCC, and LaundroCleanUSA LLC). But after several drawn out court battles with the major stakeholders (Johnson V. Williamson; Williamson V. Smith; Johnson&Williamson V. Smith) the judge ordered that the company be reassembled but under the new name “Grand St. Laundromat”.

#3 - Loan

Probably at some point some guy went to the bank and got a loan. He would have, most likely, used this loan to build Grand St Laundromat.

Peace of Mind

I recently spent north of $90 securing my AC unit in the window. This expense might seem excessive to some but my fellow neurotics recognized it as a bargain to gain some peace of mind.

Here are a few reasons why:

1 - My window faces the street
2 - I’m on the 3rd floor
3 - My AC unit weight about 50 pounds
4 - Several fault lines go through Brooklyn, probably
5 - Anything above a magnitude 4.0 would dislodge my AC unit
6 - Due to the earthquake my building would evacuate
7 - The evacuees would congregate around my building
8 - An aftershock would cause my AC unit to fall
9 - Right at the point of terminal velocity the unit would hit someone
10 - The cops would rush to the scene
11 - I would go into hiding
12 - People would demand I turn myself in
13 - I’d be captured by a tip from someone I thought was my friend
14 -  My trial would get heavy East Coast coverage
15 - My lawyer would botch the case
16 - I’d be put in prison
17 - In an effort to rehabilitate, I’d teach creative writing to my fellow inmates
18 - I’d misinterpret an inmate’s poem
19 - He shank me in the shower

The Case of the Missing Toothbrush

 

Today marks 24hrs since my toothbrush went missing, which means I can now file an official police report. I know the FBI usually handles cases involving wanton acts of bathroom theft but, evidently, there is a quota on how many report you can file in a week. But where else was I supposed to turn when I suspected my Laundromat of stealing a pair of socks?

Before I delve into the case further, I want to take some time to thank everyone for the outpouring of support I received. This has been a very trying time in my life and your kind thoughts help. But if you do have any details please refer them to the NYPD’s HT (Homicide and Toothbrush) hotline.

 The details of this unfortunate incident are murky at best. But after I came home and cleaned up my place things became a little clear.  As my bedtime quickly approached, I brushed my teeth and did my other pre-slumber rituals. I’d go into greater detail about what these rituals entail but my lawyer has advised against it since we are currently in binding arbitration with Nyquil. After my brushing was finished, I put my toothbrush back in its convenient sink-side holder. OR SO I THOUGHT!

 The next morning, eager to brush off a night full of mouth mysteries (they say you swallow like 8 spiders a year), I headed to my bathroom. But there was my toothbrush? I searched high. I searched low. I searched middle – which is far too often glossed over when seeking out missing property or playful children. Yet I could find no toothbrush.

 I resigned myself to defeat and opted to gargle some mouthwash. It’s a good temporary solution unless you have a dentist appointment that day or plan on consuming large quantities of orange juice. Hopefully it will appear somewhere, somehow. But until that happens, I guess I have to use one of my spare toothbrushes.