Decision 2016

From the Editorial Board

With many news outlets and pundits already stirring up debate about the 2016 presidential election, we’ve decided to rise above the fray by coming right out and making an endorsement. By throwing the full journalistic weight of behind a candidate 2 years before the election, we’ll not only get a sizable bump in web traffic, but also get one step closer to being the first name in political news, as we’ve always intended.

The Candidate
We searched all over the country for the person who best embodied what we believe are the 3 pillars of leadership: chutzpah, menschiness, and shiksappeal. Naturally, we could think of no one better than Hillary Clinton. But she’s way too played up at this point.  And a Google search of her would most likely drive you to one of our direct competitors like the Times or Wall Street Journal.  So instead, we’re going with the US Representative from Maine’s 1st district, Congresswoman Chellie Pingree.

 The Credentials
We won’t bore you with useless information like her voting record or experience. Instead, we’ll delve into the information readily available on her Wikipedia page. She started a knitting company, which at its heyday employed as many as ten people. (Unfortunately, after the subprime yarn crisis of 1992, the company completely unraveled.) Beyond being a titan of industry, she also raised 3 children. (We haven’t run the numbers, but we’re pretty sure this increased Maine’s population by 37%.)

The Campaign
We fully expect an all out war as election season gets closer. But we’re confident that if the Congresswoman goes with one of our expertly crafted campaign slogans, it’ll translate to votes on election day.

“Yes ME Can” – Our exhaustive urinal polling show that everyone liked this in ’08 and everyone knows Maine’s state abbreviation.

“You can’t have main street politics without Maine” – This should be perfect to win over those people in “Real America”, and if the election doesn’t work out, not a bad tourism poster for the state.

“Let’s turn this country around 180-Pingrees” – Zing!

Come November 2016, do the right thing and cast your ballot for Pingree. But don’t do it because you want her to change this country or improve our international reputation. Do it because it would be awesome if somehow this blog post got her elected—just so awesome.