Privacy Policy Update

By now, you’ve probably been inundated with privacy policy updates. Many companies are trying to make sure they’re compliant with new European privacy laws. is no different. In fact, a significant portion of our visitors are from Europe. That’s why we started spelling color the weird way.

We don’t expect everyone to read our updated privacy policy. It’s just a bunch of legalese to ensure we are still compliant and can keep doing the things we want to do. But if you are interested, here are the major updates:

  • We will no longer sell your data to the highest bidder, the lowest bidder, or really anyone with a credit card who wants some of your data.
  • We will stop turning on your webcam when you go to the bathroom.

  • We’ve outlined the “reasons” your “privacy” is “important” to us.

  • If you go from our website to another website, we’ll no longer judge you.

  • You can download all your personal data by going to a special page, searching for your name among the millions of visitors we have, and hitting “download”. Please only download your data.

  • Each page on our website will include a “look behind you” feature just to be safe.

  • Any visitors that are determined to be major gossip queens will be banned.

  • The “report a traitor” feature will be turned off everywhere but in the most strict of dictatorships.

  • The thing where after you visited our website you’d get tons of pop-ups, spam mail, unmarked packages, and strange cars following you will be curtailed.

  • We will no longer store your data in a non-password protected folder in our intern’s Google Drive. It will now be password protected.


Podcasts I'm Doing This Month

Last Thursday’s Sandwich
This has been one of my favorite podcasts for months. I’m so excited to sit down with Luke, Alexis, and Tom to discuss the pastrami on rye I had last Thursday.

Two Frogs and Janice
Janice and her two frogs interview their guests about love, loss, and everything in between. It should be a lot of fun!

A Little Bit of Barbara
Barbara is only on the show for about 2 minutes. After that, the episode will mostly feature Karen. She’s hilarious!

Text M for Murder
My good friend Sarah co-hosts this murder podcasts...with a twist! In each episode, Sarah and her guest text random people the plot to “Dial M for Murder”.

The Good Friends Show
Doug and Jamie, two of my good friends, are finally having me on to discuss our friendship.

My Worst Splitter
This will actually be part two of the last time I was on “My Worst Splinter”. It was a really bad splinter.

How I Got Here
This podcast has been blowing up recently so it’s really exciting I finally got asked to do it! On each episode, Sally, Eric, and Tonya discuss the way their guest got to the studio.

Please Leave a Message
This has been an indie favorite for some time and always the podcast I recommend to people who love comedy. This time we’re calling a law firm 2 hours after they’ve closed and leaving a message.

The Worst I Ever Bombed
On each episode, Todd and Emily interview a veteran about the worst thing he or she ever bombed. I’ll be joined by my dad’s old boss who will share some of his ‘Nam stories.

Sorry, Hang on a Second
Hank conducts each episode while he’s busy at work. He recently got hired at Best Buy. It should be wild.

Needs No Introduction
I’ll admit, this show took a bit of getting used to since the hosts just start talking without ever introducing their guest. But, they have really wacky games! Cat Access

Dear Premium Members,

We are pleased to announce that with your membership you’ll now be granted trial access to our cat.

We got a cat.

She’s really cute and only 5 months old. So she’s still technically a kitten. That increases the cute value by at least double, if not more. 

What Comes With Cat Access?

You get our cat! Ha! Not really, that was just an joke. The cat is ours and will never love you the way she loves us. But, you still get great perks:

  • Pictures
  • Boops
  • Custom ringtones with her purr
  • The PawCam™
  • The ability to send over a file with your voice saying “good kitty” that we’ll play at a time of our choosing

If you decide to add on Cat Access to your existing membership, you’ll also be given VIP access to any cat-related live shows, an offer code for merch, and, of course, the joy of cat access.

OK, I’m in! But What Does It Cost?!

Before we get into the very reasonable price for access to our truly one-in-a-million cat, it’s important to understand some basics of economics. The price of an item is generally correlated to the demand for it. The higher the demand, the higher the price. Market research shows that there is very high demand for Cat Access. That’s why we are charging $39.95 a month. We would be doing a disservice to our shareholders—and all of you—if we charged any less. Plus, by giving us this very reasonable sum, we’ll be able to supply even better cat content to our loyal subscribers! Think of it as Purr-down Economics.

That’s a Reasonable Price, So How do I Sign Up?

Well, sign up will initially be limited to our influencers and anyone with an Ivy League college email address. That’s more or less what Facebook did when they started and just look at them now! Not that access to a cat is the same as a social network, but it’s not not the same, you know?

Can We See a Pic?



We agree!

I’m More of a Dog Person, Will There Ever Be Dog Access?

Maybe! We’ll also add in Bird Access, Fish Access, and Gerbil Access down the line. Though, for obvious reasons, Cat Access and Gerbil Access will not happen at the same time.

I Have No Further Questions

Ok! Thanks for the heads up! Holiday Sale

Looking for a last-minute gift for that special someone? Well look no further! Our annual holiday sale is back! Here are just a few of the hot deals you can only get at

  • 25% off
  • Double
  • Free shipping to all U.S. territories

Now this sale won’t last forever, so act fast! And when you do, we’ll thrown in an extra at no cost! Unsure how it works? Here’s an example: You choose one of you favorite items and when you checkout it’ll either be 25% off, double, or shipped to a U.S. territory (free of charge!). What if you, for example, want it shipped to your home instead of Guam? Well, where’s the holiday cheer in that?

Go to Amazon if you want your items shipped to your home.

A Word From Our Founder

“Hi, thank you so much for visiting during our holiday sale. Oh, is that a snowflake? Wow. The holidays are here! I hope you all get get 25% off when you check out. But, of course, there’s a chance your item may be double the price or shipped to Guam. It is the holidays, after all. Wow! Another snowflake! Stay warm.”

-- Alex Siegal

A Message to Our Readers

In light of Apple’s recent decision to fight the FBI’s request to unlock an iPhone, the news cycle has been abuzz with talk about the line between the national security and privacy. It seems only fitting that throws its weight into the debate.

A United Front

We stand with Apple in our decision to also not compromise the security of our readers by fulfilling FBI requests for “back door” access to our site.   

Now, it should be noted that the FBI has not made any requests for files or information from, but it could happen any day now. We have a large and varied readership. It’s entirely possible that some terrorists have visited

What We Think Happened

NOTE FROM ALEXSIEGAL.COM LAWYERS: The following is purely speculative, but would almost certainly be the way it would happen.

In all likelihood, one low-ranking ISIL member found our site after Googling “Top comedians to watch who will soon be working for SNL” and shared it with a few buddies, laughing at the way has mastered the language of comedy. It’s even possible they wanted to add a humor section to their propaganda magazine.

Unfortunately, a commander would have most certainly found out and executed them. It would have been at that time, security experts would probably argue, that came to represent all that was good about America—and therefore everything a terrorist organization like ISIL hates.

All the chatter about would have alerted CIA agents in deep cover and probably led to Operation Heroic Thunder.

That operation would have actually been a joint operation between SEAL Team 6 and DELTA Force to capture that ISIL commander in a nighttime raid and interrogated him. (We will assume in full accordance with NATO and UN guidelines, but that kind of speculation is really beyond the scope of this open letter.)  After 2 months of interrogation, CIA contractors and Mossad agents in a secret German rendition center would have learned about

That, of course, is when the FBI would come knocking. They’d want to know the IP addresses of our users to learn just how many terrorists are currently active readers of

And that is where we would draw the line.

Help, Within Reason

If the FBI, NSA, or members of Black Ops ask us for something like an unused blog post, we would certainly provide that. But the hypothetical request for a “back door” to our site is simply a bridge too far.

We hate terrorism. It’s the pits. But there comes a point where we simply cannot betray the freedoms and ideals that our Great Nation was founded upon just to uncover a vast and intricate global terror network. And that is why we respectfully decline to fulfill the FBI’s request, should they have made one.

Thank you and God Bless America,

Alex Siegal
Global CEO,

Introducing Business Class

People love coming to But after a while, they naturally wonder if there’s an elevated level of comfort and service they could get. That’s why we created Business Class.

In Business Class, you’ll be able to browse the site with amenities like a search button, unlimited views of my videos, and a Best of Motown playlist.

Think what that’ll be like. You come home after a long day, take off your jacket, tie, shirt, belt, pants, socks, shoes, and underwear. Then, put on a comfy pair of shorts with a loose top and maybe some slippers. And once you collapse onto the couch, you pull up on any device (it’s responsive), type in your unique code, and you’re immediately transported to a state of pure relaxation with songs from the Jackson 5. Like this one:

Sit yourself down, take a seat
All you gotta do is repeat after me
It's easy as, 1-2-3

Man. What a classic! But of course, it’s not all chart toppers. The playlist also includes some lesser-known, but very influential Motown favorites. Take this song for instance:

You know you took my love, threw it away
You gonna want my love someday
Well a bye bye baby
(Bye bye bye)

Come on! Nothing? Mary Wells. 1960. The song basically launched her career. She was 17 years old when she recorded that. What were you doing when you were 17? Ah, forget it. You people wouldn’t know Motown Sound if it hit you over the head. Just choose something for yourself:

My love, my baby love
I need you, oh how I need you
Why you do me like you do
After I've been true to you
So deep in love with you

The Supremes. Real original. You know what? I’m shutting down Business Class. No. It’s too late. I’m not wasting my time. I hope you and Dianna Ross are happy together. Uncensored

Put your kids to sleep and put any kittens or puppies in their carriers. This is Uncensored. What should you be prepared for? Everything! What are the rules of an uncensored post? Just one: There are no rules!!!

Is there a single color that screams Uncensored? Duh:

Screen shot 2014-05-24 at 9.03.14 PM.png

Which celebrity’s abs best encapsulate an uncensored post? Oh I don't know, maybe it’s the six-pack belonging to 60’s sex icon Paul Newman:

Screen shot 2014-05-24 at 9.04.55 PM.png

Which basic trigonometry equation is most like an uncensored post? That’s just too easy:

If this post were a leader of the early feminist movement, who would it be? All sexists better leave now:

In the land of TV sitcoms, is there one show that captures the essence of this post? You know it: 

If this post were a Jansport backpack, would it be the “Houston”? Pshhhh. Maybe if this was the censored post! But it’s uncensored! “Thunderclap” all the way:

Well, that’s about it! Hopefully you were able to make it through this entire post without getting offended by how uncensored it was. But I doubt it. You babies!

All Men Don't Look Alike

Recently, my friend Kristin sent me a picture of a man who she claimed was my doppelganger. 

I’ll admit, to the untrained eye, there are some similarities: we both sport a thin yet muscular physique, we’ve both bravely chosen to rid our beautiful scalps of unsightly hair, and we both stand somewhat awkwardly next to women in shorts. But beyond that, the similarities end. Here are the many differences:

1. It’s warm out, yet he’s not wearing a hat to cover his exposed head. Plus, no one is asking him if he went to the beach, so he’s clearly not wearing any sunscreen either. That’s a telltale sign it’s not me.

2. Is that a goatee?! 

3. This one is just easy. His hair color is more of a fresh snickerdoodle whereas mine is a lightly toasted croissant.

4. Anyone who knows me even somewhat well knows how keen I am for free food. This guy is wearing a white shirt. Clearly, he doesn’t plan on doing any eating.

5. Look how far down his knee those shorts go. Why didn’t he just wear pants? For the record, this is how I wear shorts.

How I Spend My Time When Real Housewives Is On


My girlfriend and her friend watch the newest episode of Housewives every Tuesday night at 9. Because I refuse to watch it, I instead have to occupy myself with other activities. Here is what I did this week:

 Organized my desktop by “date modified”.

Screen shot 2014-04-08 at 10.32.47 PM.png

 Almost read this article:

Decided this was a better option:

Wondered if I’m allowed to put my roll on top of this loaf.

Screen shot 2014-04-08 at 10.48.10 PM.png

Finally found an idea that basically no one else has done.

Debated the best way to charge my computer.

 Made this pie chart 

Tune in next week to see what crazy adventures I’ll get up to. Here’s a hint: I’m going to brew tea. 

The Laundromat

The laundromat is where I always wished my girlfriend and I met. In fact, I’ve thought a lot about how it would play out. I would be fumbling with dryer sheets and she’d notice me and smile. We’d start up a conversation and then do it at my place while the clothes dry. And although this was just a daydream, sometimes when I’m washing our clothes, the fantasy of meeting someone like that pops into my mind. The only problem (besides cheating, her finding out, and me writing a best-selling memoir about the ordeal) is that I’m washing our clothes. That means my performance briefs are mixed in with her performance thongs. So it would only be a matter of time until a woman looked at what was in my hamper and learned the truth. However, I’ve come up with a couple scenarios in which I could convince this spin-cycle sex kitten that I’m alone (although I’m not, and I love my girlfriend and stuff, but you get the idea).

Scenario 1: The Philosopher’s Stone
Me: Hey your laundry bag is neat—lots of functional pockets.
Her: That’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Me: You’re welcome.
(She looks down and notices the clothes in my basket.)
Her: Wait a minute, do you have a girlfriend?
Me: No, I work at a shelter and wash their clothes on the weekend. It just feels good to give back.
Her: I’d say you should tell me more at your place, but my sheets still have another 5 minutes to dry.
(I give her my trademark smirk.)
Me:  Oh let’s plenty of time.

Scenario 2: The Goblet of Fire
Me: Hey! I recognize those tights from yoga. Sharon?
Sharon: Hey Alex!
Me: That class was crazy! One of those poses was so hard I almost started crying. I guess child’s pose would have been my best bet at that point.
Sharon. Haha! Oh Alex. What a well-crafted and relevant joke. Want to come back to...
(She looks down and notices the clothes in my basket.)
Me: It’s not what it looks like. Recently I decided that society’s “definition” of gender was wrong, and to protest it I wash women’s underwear. You know, because you wouldn’t expect that within a heteronormative construct.
Sharon: Again, well crafted and relevant. I live next door. Come on.

Now, you may be quick to point out the obvious exaggeration found in these scenarios, which is why I’m asking for a suspension of disbelief. Otherwise, you’ll never believe that I’d be so naïve as to leave my clothes unattended to have relations with some woman. That’s the easiest way to get your pants stolen.